Usually when things aren’t going well, I’m quiet. It’s hard to admit things on the internet and sometimes it’s hard to not be in denial about an issue. Despite my amazing first week of training, I am feeling a bit sidelined already. I blame the stupid Nike Training Club thing that I went to last Monday. I definitely should not have gone, there was way too much jumping and my foot was not ready for that kind of stress. Dumb.

I mentioned in my recap that it left my foot feeling wonky and up until Sunday, it felt the same all week, no worse, no better, not really pained, just something there that I could feel. After Sunday’s long run, I felt like it got worse, but still not actual pain, just discomfort.

Yesterday I lifted and today I was supposed to run. I woke up this morning to run, but decided against it because my foot kind of hurts. It doesn’t hurt to walk, but when I twist my foot around, it feels weird and not good. And yes, it’s the foot that I had my stress fracture in and I’m feeling it generally in that same area.

Cue meltdown.

I was finally feeling 100%. My feet were feeling great and I was just getting back into it. I don’t think I’m actually injured, but wtf this sucks. I feel like I shouldn’t run until my foot is back to 100%, I’m not risking anything.

And for now, I’m just going to focus on the fact that today is Derek and I’s 2 year anniversary! We have also been together for 10 years as of yesterday, which is crazy, but amazing.

We are going out to dinner tonight at The Astor Room in Astoria. It’s literally 1 block from our apartment and we have yet to go. It should be a great night.

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Best wedding ever.

I will not be running the New York City Marathon.

This race has been on my mind since the day I got diagnosed with a stress fracture. I felt pretty positive about still being able to run the marathon, since at that point it was only June and I figured I still had plenty of time to recover and train. I had a lot of positive reinforcement as well, and was trying to stay in the best shape I could while being stuck in the boot of shame.

I’ve been back to running for a little over 4 weeks, but about 2 weeks ago I had a meltdown about everything in my life, including NYCM. #Dramatic

I began to question if it was really possible to train in such a little amount of time. Is it safe to go from 0 to 26 in only 13 weeks? Why am I running? Will suffering through 26 miles while feeling out of shape be anywhere near fun? Do I feel like losing $250? All of these things were going through my head and driving me crazy.

I think the #1 reason I still wanted to run was just fear of missing out. Plain and simple. So many of my friends are running and it’s redemption for last year. Last year’s training was almost perfect! I had a fantastic training cycle and although I used it towards Rehoboth Beach, there’s nothing like training for the NYCM with all of your friends throughout the summer. It’s one of the reasons why I love it here!

nycmMy running buddy, Adriana, running NYCM in 2011!

I became jealous, angry, sad, worried, stressed, all of the above! Every one around me was already at 18 miles and here I am running 4 miles as my “long” run for the weekend. Even though I had a tentative training plan that would get me to 18 miles, it never looked right. It wasn’t safe and I’m pretty sure I would feel miserable at the end of the race no matter how slow I ran.

I want to thank Beth for talking me off the ledge of insanity regarding all my life problems, which in reality were not real problems. But, you know, sometimes you just gotta let off some steam and vent about things and that’s exactly what we did over some delicious Chipotle and a bottle of wine.

And even though this “decision” was made 2 weeks ago, I am finally feeling like it’s real, like it’s the right thing to do. I also feel relieved. I can continue to take it easy and build back up safely without having the pressure to get to double digits as quickly as possible.

It’s a weird sense of relief because I’m not sure if I should feel guilty or ashamed. I know that sounds weird, but everyone assured me that it was still possible to train and run the race, so I’m not sure if I did something wrong. I constantly wonder if I did enough while I was injured, if I should’ve made a bigger effort to get to the pool, just all of these what ifs and I worry that I’m taking the easy way out.

I’m always thinking about if I’m doing too much or not enough with my training right now. I have no idea. All I know is how I feel. I feel out of shape, slow, and stressed about a goal that seems potentially questionable and that’s why I am pulling out of the race. I don’t want to risk injury, I want to be safe so I can have a fantastic year of running in 2014. And I want to make sure that when I finally run NYCM, that it will be fun and I will be ready.

Part of this decision was also based on the fact that I WANT TO RACE SOMETHING! Racing is a huge part of why I love to run. I want to push myself again and to have an actual Fall race goal. Currently, I am signed up for NYCM and Rehoboth Beach Marathon and since NYCM isn’t happening, that leaves Rehoboth. These races are 5 weeks apart, so not really too much time in between. And sadly, still not enough time to train for the full at Rehoboth.

I’m going to drop down to the Rehoboth Beach Half and try to race the shit out of that. So, that’s my A-Race for the Fall. It’s on December 7th and I have about 14 weeks left to train.

Most of all, I am annoyed that I am losing $250, but I know once the New York City Marathon gets closer, I am going to be sad. It’s going to be difficult to stay away from all of the excitement that comes from Race Day. I certainly don’t want to stay away from it, and I’ll definitely be at the race cheering for all of my friends who are running, but I can’t wait for my day to run NY.

I’m glad I still have some time to get over this and accept the fact that this race was just not meant to be this year. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me, this is not a pity post, it’s just my feelings and what’s really going on with my running and my goals and honestly where I am at. It sucks, but I’ll be fine. And most importantly, I’m super happy to be running again!

I will be deferring my entry to next year and let’s hope that the third times a charm!

Who is running NYCM? Let me know so I can cheer for you!

The day I get to run again!!!

My doctor’s appointment went very well yesterday. I got in, she examined my foot, poked around, had me jump up and down on one leg and then brought me in a little tentative training plan to get me back to running. It starts off with 2 days of the Elliptical and then the 3rd day I am allowed to run 5-10 minutes! That’s a whole mile! 🙂

It’s time for my feet to return to looking like this.

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I cannot freaking wait! I’ve also never been so excited to use the elliptical. I usually despise it and I don’t usually use it, but the fact that I am allowed to do another form of exercise besides biking is wonderful.

Saturday is also the day Derek and I go on a little mini 4 day vacation up to Squam Lake in NH! My parents rent a house every year and I always make an effort to go for at least a few days. It’s so beautiful up there.

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Can’t wait to see my whole entire family 🙂

Running, sunshine, food, and family, it’s going to be the best weekend ever!

2 days until I get to run!!!